A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion.
Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
Helicopters don't fly. They beat the air into submission.
Chopper pilots get it up quicker.
Flying helicopters is like masturbation, you enjoy it while it's happening but you're kind of embarrassed when your done.
Helicopters don’t fly, they just vibrate against the earth and the earth rejects them into the air.
Helicopters are for people who want to fly but don't want to go anywhere.
A four-time loser: the fellow who went to Texas A&M, joined the Marines, flew helicopters, and was hired by Braniff.
It's better to break ground and head into the wind than to break wind and head into the ground.
Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
Helicopters don't fly. They beat the air into submission.
Chopper pilots get it up quicker.
Flying helicopters is like masturbation, you enjoy it while it's happening but you're kind of embarrassed when your done.
Helicopters don’t fly, they just vibrate against the earth and the earth rejects them into the air.
Helicopters are for people who want to fly but don't want to go anywhere.
A four-time loser: the fellow who went to Texas A&M, joined the Marines, flew helicopters, and was hired by Braniff.
It's better to break ground and head into the wind than to break wind and head into the ground.
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A Crash Course in Helicoptering is Given a Whirl
No doors? Dave Barry Gets Helicopter Lessons by Dave Barry TODAY'S AVIATION TOPIC IS: How to fly a helicopter.
Although flying a helicopter may seem very difficult, the truth is that if you can drive a car, you can, with just a few minutes of instruction, take the controls of one of these amazing machines. Of course you would immediately crash and die. This is why you need to remember:
RULE ONE OF HELICOPTER PILOTING: Always have somebody sitting right next to you who actually knows how to fly the helicopter and can snatch the controls away from you.
Because the truth is that helicopters are nothing at all like cars. Scientists still have no idea what holds helicopters up. "Whatever it is, it could stop at any moment," is their current feeling. This leads us to:
RULE TWO OF HELICOPTER PILOTING: Maybe you should forget the entire thing.
This was what I was thinking on a recent Saturday morning as I stood outside a small airport in South Florida, where I was about to take my first helicopter lesson. This was not my idea. This was the idea of Pam Gallina-Raissiguier, a pilot who flies radio reporters over Miami.
Pam is active in an international organization of women helicopter pilots called - Gloria Steinem, avert your eyes - the "Whirly Girls." She thought it would be a great idea for me to take a helicopter lesson.
I began having severe doubts when I saw Pam's helicopter. This was a small helicopter. It looked like it should have a little slot where you insert quarters to make it go up and down. Also, this helicopter had no doors. As a Frequent 1 Flyer, I know for a fact that all your leading U.S. air lines, despite being bankrupt, maintain a strict safety policy of having doors on their aircraft.
"Don't we need a larger helicopter?" I asked Pam. "With doors?"
"Get in," said Pam.
You don't defy a direct order from a Whirly Girl.
Now we're in the helicopter, and Pam is explaining the controls to me over the headset, but there's static and the engine is making a lot of noise.
"... your throttle (something)," she is saying, "this is your cyclic and (something) your collective."
"What?" I say.
"(something) give you the controls when we reach 500 feet," Pam says.
"WHAT?" I say.
But Pam is not listening. She is moving a control thing and WHOOAAA we are off the ground, hovering, and now WHOOOOAAAAAA we are shooting up in the air, and there are still no doors on this particular helicopter.
Now Pam is giving me the main control thing.
RULE THREE OF HELICOPTER PILOTING: If anybody tries to give you the main control thing, re-
AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
"That was too much pressure," Pam says.
Now I am flying the helicopter. I AM FLYING THE HELICOPTER. I am flying it by not moving a single body part, for fear of jiggling the control thing. I look like the Lincoln Memorial, only more rigid.
"Make a right turn," Pam is saying.
I gingerly move the control thing one zillionth of an inch to the right and the helicopter LEANS OVER TOWARD MY SIDE AND THERE IS STILL NO DOOR HERE. I instantly move the thing one zillionth of an inch back.
"I'm not turning right," I inform Pam.
"What?" she says.
"Only left turns," I tell her. When you've been flying helicopters as long as I have, you know your limits.
After a while it becomes clear to Pam that if she continues to allow the Lincoln statue to pilot the helicopter, we are going to wind up flying in a straight line until we run out of fuel, possibly over Antarctica, so she takes the control thing back. That is the good news. The bad news is, she's now saying something about demonstrating an "emergency procedure."
"It's for when your engine dies," Pam says. "It's called 'auto-rotation.' Do you like amusement park rides?"
I say: "No, I DOOOOOOOOOOOOO..."
RULE FOUR OF HELICOPTER PILOTING: "Auto-rotation" means "coming down out of the sky at about the same speed and aerodynamic stability as that of a forklift dropped from a bomber."
Now we're close to the ground (although my stomach is still at 500 feet), and Pam is completing my training by having me hover the helicopter.
RULE FIVE OF HELICOPTER PILOTING: You can't hover the helicopter.
The idea is to hang over one spot on the ground. I am hovering over an area approximately the size of Australia. I am swooping around sideways and backward like a crazed bumblebee.
So I am very happy when we finally get back on the ground. Pam tells me I did great, and she'd be glad to take me up again. I tell her that sounds like a fun idea.
RULE SIX OF HELICOPTER PILOTING: Sometimes you have to lie.
©Knight-Ridder News Service
A Note from the Emperor:This is copyrighted material, used without permission. Since I am the Emperor, I don't require permission (see below). Technically, I own this copy, anyway, as I paid for the copy of the newspaper I cut it out of, many years ago. Please visit Dave Barry's web site, and buy his books. They are worth every penny!
Dave Barry's Web Site
NOTE: WHEREAS this article is reprinted here without permission, and WHEREAS there is no commercial intent, and WHEREAS We stole it fair and square, and WHEREAS it is here solely for Our personal enjoyment, THEREFORE, We do hereby grant a special dispensation from copyright law. -- Norton I, Emperor of the United States, Protector of Mexico, and prospective consort to the Queen of Great Britain
No doors? Dave Barry Gets Helicopter Lessons by Dave Barry TODAY'S AVIATION TOPIC IS: How to fly a helicopter.
Although flying a helicopter may seem very difficult, the truth is that if you can drive a car, you can, with just a few minutes of instruction, take the controls of one of these amazing machines. Of course you would immediately crash and die. This is why you need to remember:
RULE ONE OF HELICOPTER PILOTING: Always have somebody sitting right next to you who actually knows how to fly the helicopter and can snatch the controls away from you.
Because the truth is that helicopters are nothing at all like cars. Scientists still have no idea what holds helicopters up. "Whatever it is, it could stop at any moment," is their current feeling. This leads us to:
RULE TWO OF HELICOPTER PILOTING: Maybe you should forget the entire thing.
This was what I was thinking on a recent Saturday morning as I stood outside a small airport in South Florida, where I was about to take my first helicopter lesson. This was not my idea. This was the idea of Pam Gallina-Raissiguier, a pilot who flies radio reporters over Miami.
Pam is active in an international organization of women helicopter pilots called - Gloria Steinem, avert your eyes - the "Whirly Girls." She thought it would be a great idea for me to take a helicopter lesson.
I began having severe doubts when I saw Pam's helicopter. This was a small helicopter. It looked like it should have a little slot where you insert quarters to make it go up and down. Also, this helicopter had no doors. As a Frequent 1 Flyer, I know for a fact that all your leading U.S. air lines, despite being bankrupt, maintain a strict safety policy of having doors on their aircraft.
"Don't we need a larger helicopter?" I asked Pam. "With doors?"
"Get in," said Pam.
You don't defy a direct order from a Whirly Girl.
Now we're in the helicopter, and Pam is explaining the controls to me over the headset, but there's static and the engine is making a lot of noise.
"... your throttle (something)," she is saying, "this is your cyclic and (something) your collective."
"What?" I say.
"(something) give you the controls when we reach 500 feet," Pam says.
"WHAT?" I say.
But Pam is not listening. She is moving a control thing and WHOOAAA we are off the ground, hovering, and now WHOOOOAAAAAA we are shooting up in the air, and there are still no doors on this particular helicopter.
Now Pam is giving me the main control thing.
RULE THREE OF HELICOPTER PILOTING: If anybody tries to give you the main control thing, re-
AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
"That was too much pressure," Pam says.
Now I am flying the helicopter. I AM FLYING THE HELICOPTER. I am flying it by not moving a single body part, for fear of jiggling the control thing. I look like the Lincoln Memorial, only more rigid.
"Make a right turn," Pam is saying.
I gingerly move the control thing one zillionth of an inch to the right and the helicopter LEANS OVER TOWARD MY SIDE AND THERE IS STILL NO DOOR HERE. I instantly move the thing one zillionth of an inch back.
"I'm not turning right," I inform Pam.
"What?" she says.
"Only left turns," I tell her. When you've been flying helicopters as long as I have, you know your limits.
After a while it becomes clear to Pam that if she continues to allow the Lincoln statue to pilot the helicopter, we are going to wind up flying in a straight line until we run out of fuel, possibly over Antarctica, so she takes the control thing back. That is the good news. The bad news is, she's now saying something about demonstrating an "emergency procedure."
"It's for when your engine dies," Pam says. "It's called 'auto-rotation.' Do you like amusement park rides?"
I say: "No, I DOOOOOOOOOOOOO..."
RULE FOUR OF HELICOPTER PILOTING: "Auto-rotation" means "coming down out of the sky at about the same speed and aerodynamic stability as that of a forklift dropped from a bomber."
Now we're close to the ground (although my stomach is still at 500 feet), and Pam is completing my training by having me hover the helicopter.
RULE FIVE OF HELICOPTER PILOTING: You can't hover the helicopter.
The idea is to hang over one spot on the ground. I am hovering over an area approximately the size of Australia. I am swooping around sideways and backward like a crazed bumblebee.
So I am very happy when we finally get back on the ground. Pam tells me I did great, and she'd be glad to take me up again. I tell her that sounds like a fun idea.
RULE SIX OF HELICOPTER PILOTING: Sometimes you have to lie.
©Knight-Ridder News Service
A Note from the Emperor:This is copyrighted material, used without permission. Since I am the Emperor, I don't require permission (see below). Technically, I own this copy, anyway, as I paid for the copy of the newspaper I cut it out of, many years ago. Please visit Dave Barry's web site, and buy his books. They are worth every penny!
Dave Barry's Web Site
NOTE: WHEREAS this article is reprinted here without permission, and WHEREAS there is no commercial intent, and WHEREAS We stole it fair and square, and WHEREAS it is here solely for Our personal enjoyment, THEREFORE, We do hereby grant a special dispensation from copyright law. -- Norton I, Emperor of the United States, Protector of Mexico, and prospective consort to the Queen of Great Britain
1. Once you are in the fight, it is way too late to wonder if this is a good id
2. Helicopters are cool!
3. It is a fact that helicopter tail rotors are instinctively drawn toward trees, stumps, rocks, etc. While it may be possible to ward off this natural event some of the time, it cannot, despite the best efforts of the crew, always be prevented. It's just what they do.
4. NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition than the other guy.
5. The engine RPM, and the rotor RPM, must BOTH be kept in the GREEN. Failure to heed this commandment can affect the morale of the crew.
6. A billfold in your hip pocket can numb your leg and be a real pain in the ass.
7. Cover your Buddy, so he can be around to cover you.
8. Letters from home are not always great.
9. The madness of war can extract a heavy toll. Please have exact change.
10. Share everything. Even the Pound Cake.
11. Decisions made by someone over your head will seldom be in your best interest.
12. The terms "Protective Armor" and "Helicopter" are mutually exclusive.
13. The further away you are from your friends, the less likely it is that they can help you when you really need them the most.
14. Sometimes, being good and lucky still was not enough. There is always payback.
15. "Chicken Plates" are not something you order in a restaurant.
16. If everything is as clear as a bell, and everything is going exactly as planned, you're about to be surprised.
17. The BSR (Bang Stare Read) Theory states that the louder the sudden bang in the helicopter, the quicker your eyes will be drawn to the gauges.
18. The longer you stare at the gauges, the less time it takes them to move from green to red.
19. It does too get cold in Vietnam.
20. No matter what you do, the bullet with your name on it will get you. So too can the ones addressed "To Whom It May Concern".
21. Gravity: It may not be fair, but it is the law.
22. If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need.
23. If you are wearing body armor, the incoming will probably miss that part.
24. It hurts less to die with a uniform on than to die in a hospital bed.
25. Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
26. If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
27. Eat when you can. Sleep when you can. Vist the head when you can. The next opportunity may not come around for a long time. If ever.
28. Combat pay is a flawed concept.
29. Having all your body parts intact and functioning at the end of the day beats the alternative.
30. Air superiority is NOT a luxury.
31. If you are allergic to lead it is best to avoid a war zone.
32. It is a bad thing to run out of airspeed, altitude, and ideas all at the same time.
32a. Nothing is as useless as altitude above you and runway behind you.
33. While the rest of the crew may be in the same predicament, it's almost always the pilot's job to arrive at the crash site first.
34. When you shoot your gun, clean it the first chance you get.
35. Loud sudden noises in a helicopter WILL get your undivided attention.
36. Hot garrison chow is better than hot C-rations, which, in turn is better than cold C-rations, which is better than no food at all. All of these, however, are preferable to cold rice balls (given to you by guards) even if they do have the little pieces of fish in them.
37. WHAT is often more important than WHY.
38. Boxes of cookies from home must be shared.
39. Girlfriends are fair game. Wives are not.
40. Everybody's a hero on the ground in the club after the fourth drink.
41. There is no such thing as a small firefight.
42. A free-fire zone has nothing to do with economics.
43. The farther you fly into the mountains, the louder the strange engine noises become.
44. Medals are OK, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is better.
44a. The only medal you really want to be awarded is the Longevity Medal.
45. Being shot hurts.
46. Thousands of Vietnam Veterans earned medals for bravery every day. A few were even awarded.
48. Running out of pedal, fore or aft cyclic, or collective are all bad ideas. Any combination of these can be deadly.
49. Nomex is NOT fire proof.
50. There is only one rule in war: When you win, you get to make up the Rules.
51. Living and dying can both hurt a lot.
53. While a Super Bomb could be considered one of the four essential building blocks of life, powdered eggs cannot.
54. C-4 can make a dull day fun.
55. Cocoa Powder is neither.
56. There is no such thing as a fair fight, only ones where you win or lose.
57. If you win the battle you are entitled to the spoils. If you lose you don't care.
58. Nobody cares what you did yesterday or what you are going to do tomorrow. What is important is what you are doing NOW to solve our problem.
59. If you have extra, share it quickly.
60. Always make sure someone has a P-38.
61. A sucking chest wound may be God's way of telling you it's time to go home.
62. Prayer may not help . . . but it can't hurt.
63. Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running is better than crawling. All of these however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac, even if this is technically a form of flying.
64. If everyone does not come home none of the rest of us can ever fully come home either.
65. Do not fear the enemy, for your enemy can only take your life. It is far better that you fear the media, for they will teal your HONOR.
66. A grunt is the true reason for the existence of the helicopter. Every helicopter flying in Vietnam had one real purpose: To help the grunt. It is unfortunate that many helicopters never had the opportunity to fulfill their one true mission in life simply because someone forgot this fact.
67. "You have the right to remain silent" is always EXCELLENT advice.
